Uh-oh Spagheti-O
I've been thinking. Well, really more like questioning..."what to do, what to do....Salsa or Triathlon?". I think salsa. Why you ask? I figure I have a competitive advantage in the canadian salsa scene. I am of latin descent. The average white canadian male, and most females for that matter, are rythmically challenged. Also, I recently caught footage of myself swimming. It wasn't pretty. It's no wonder children run screaming through the pools. Besides, the pool water gives me heartburn (I think). Now, the decision might seem hasty. It's not. I have researched it thoroughly.
Question & Answer Period
Please consider the following inquiries (solicited via email to a half ironman race director):
Q: If I start to drown, will scuba divers save me? Are the scuba divers cute?
A: If you start to drown, we'll make sure to get photos of you as you sink.. The divers are women, but aside from the strange amounts of facial hair, they are relatively cute.
Comment: This is not a "happy" photo collection. Perhaps he is from europe, where they like hairy women and dark things.
Q: Is it hard?
A: Only if you are out of shape
Comment: Uh-oh spagheti-o
Q: In an emergency, is gas powered propulsion permitted? What if it's not an emergency?
A: The only gas propulsion allowed is the "chile con carne" kind
Comment: What about the vegetarian racers?
Q: Sometimes when I run my lungs hurt, if this happens race day will there be somebody there to fix it? It's very unpleasant.
A: Try running on your feet. This should noticeably reduce chest pain.
Comment: Oh, ok.
Q: I've noticed that more often than not the t-shirts are too big for me. Will there be somebody there doing alterations?
A: Alterations are only available on pants. I hear there is 'cuppage' as they measure seam to seam.
Comment: hmmm, female cuppage. I don't fully understand this procedure. I think I'll get my pants hemmed in calgary.
The Poll
I also conducted a poll. Pollers were asked, salsa or triathlon? Let me start by stating this, the pollers can be grouped into buckets. There are two buckets. The "Smart" bucket, and the "Not So Smart" bucket. A good friend of mine uses this system and it seems to work well for him. Please refer to some of the responses below:
"I think you should make up a new sport that combines them both.... like salsathalon" - An elegant solution to a complex problem, brilliant - Smart Bucket.
"heh, that's a tough one...what about climbing?" - No, there was no invisible 3rd option - Not So Smart Bucket.
"Clearly salsa dancing. Think of all the places you can travel when you start to compete." - Big thinker - Smart Bucket.
"(lots of unproductive chatter)...salsa, you have to make friends with lots of hot salsa dancing girls and introduce me to them tho" - enough said - Not So Smart Bucket.
"I would definitely go with the salsa...(bunch of enlightening stuff) ... make sure you get the vaseline to grease your hair back as they do on channel 44" - great tip! I had no idea one could fabricate this look. As I told the poller, I always thought it was a natural grease. You know, a bi-product of latino heat.
I think the research speaks for itself. Moving on.
If you haven't heard, I developed yet another serious medical condition in the okanagan. It has now progressed into a devastatingly stunning farmers tan. A farmers tan that would drive most prarie boys mad. I am worried however. Soon the contrast in skin tones may simply be to much for the average human retina. I may have to shower with eye protection. This will be awkward. If you could please keep me informed of comfortable yet stylish water proof eye protection. This would be much appreciated.
So I'm at dance lessons Sunday. I am very excited. We are learning the bachata. It is very sexy. The instructor calls for a partner switch. I am approached by what is clearly a homo-sapien. Name: Cam. Previous partner: female. Gender: unknown. Uh-oh spagheti-o...You see, in dancing, each gender plays a specific role. I am only familiar with the female role. If it is male, I don't have a problem. If it is female....well, uh-oh spagheti-o. In that case, I think I am dancing with a lesbian. No problem really, except am I the man or woman? I must devise a plan of attack.
Step 1: Indentifify gender. Drastic times call for drastic measures. This time called for a boob check. After a slightly longer than expected visual scan, mission accomplished. Boobs are located. The scan was complicated by the fact that the boobs were at a slightly lower elevation than normal and camalflouged by large amounts of flesh of similar softness and roundness. My mythical ninja training has certainly paid off.
Step 2: Identify my role. How? Raise both arms up and out. Continue until a neutral dancing posture is reached. Hold. Let Cam make the first move. The move is made and... I am the girl. Hurray! Funny thing though, the bachata did not feel quite as sexy with Cam. huh.
Ok, well, it is my belief that this post has reached sufficient length and educational content. As such, I will end here.
Question & Answer Period
Please consider the following inquiries (solicited via email to a half ironman race director):
Q: If I start to drown, will scuba divers save me? Are the scuba divers cute?
A: If you start to drown, we'll make sure to get photos of you as you sink.. The divers are women, but aside from the strange amounts of facial hair, they are relatively cute.
Comment: This is not a "happy" photo collection. Perhaps he is from europe, where they like hairy women and dark things.
Q: Is it hard?
A: Only if you are out of shape
Comment: Uh-oh spagheti-o
Q: In an emergency, is gas powered propulsion permitted? What if it's not an emergency?
A: The only gas propulsion allowed is the "chile con carne" kind
Comment: What about the vegetarian racers?
Q: Sometimes when I run my lungs hurt, if this happens race day will there be somebody there to fix it? It's very unpleasant.
A: Try running on your feet. This should noticeably reduce chest pain.
Comment: Oh, ok.
Q: I've noticed that more often than not the t-shirts are too big for me. Will there be somebody there doing alterations?
A: Alterations are only available on pants. I hear there is 'cuppage' as they measure seam to seam.
Comment: hmmm, female cuppage. I don't fully understand this procedure. I think I'll get my pants hemmed in calgary.
The Poll
I also conducted a poll. Pollers were asked, salsa or triathlon? Let me start by stating this, the pollers can be grouped into buckets. There are two buckets. The "Smart" bucket, and the "Not So Smart" bucket. A good friend of mine uses this system and it seems to work well for him. Please refer to some of the responses below:
"I think you should make up a new sport that combines them both.... like salsathalon" - An elegant solution to a complex problem, brilliant - Smart Bucket.
"heh, that's a tough one...what about climbing?" - No, there was no invisible 3rd option - Not So Smart Bucket.
"Clearly salsa dancing. Think of all the places you can travel when you start to compete." - Big thinker - Smart Bucket.
"(lots of unproductive chatter)...salsa, you have to make friends with lots of hot salsa dancing girls and introduce me to them tho" - enough said - Not So Smart Bucket.
"I would definitely go with the salsa...(bunch of enlightening stuff) ... make sure you get the vaseline to grease your hair back as they do on channel 44" - great tip! I had no idea one could fabricate this look. As I told the poller, I always thought it was a natural grease. You know, a bi-product of latino heat.
I think the research speaks for itself. Moving on.
If you haven't heard, I developed yet another serious medical condition in the okanagan. It has now progressed into a devastatingly stunning farmers tan. A farmers tan that would drive most prarie boys mad. I am worried however. Soon the contrast in skin tones may simply be to much for the average human retina. I may have to shower with eye protection. This will be awkward. If you could please keep me informed of comfortable yet stylish water proof eye protection. This would be much appreciated.
So I'm at dance lessons Sunday. I am very excited. We are learning the bachata. It is very sexy. The instructor calls for a partner switch. I am approached by what is clearly a homo-sapien. Name: Cam. Previous partner: female. Gender: unknown. Uh-oh spagheti-o...You see, in dancing, each gender plays a specific role. I am only familiar with the female role. If it is male, I don't have a problem. If it is female....well, uh-oh spagheti-o. In that case, I think I am dancing with a lesbian. No problem really, except am I the man or woman? I must devise a plan of attack.
Step 1: Indentifify gender. Drastic times call for drastic measures. This time called for a boob check. After a slightly longer than expected visual scan, mission accomplished. Boobs are located. The scan was complicated by the fact that the boobs were at a slightly lower elevation than normal and camalflouged by large amounts of flesh of similar softness and roundness. My mythical ninja training has certainly paid off.
Step 2: Identify my role. How? Raise both arms up and out. Continue until a neutral dancing posture is reached. Hold. Let Cam make the first move. The move is made and... I am the girl. Hurray! Funny thing though, the bachata did not feel quite as sexy with Cam. huh.
Ok, well, it is my belief that this post has reached sufficient length and educational content. As such, I will end here.
posted by Nan at
9:40 PM
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